In Praise Of Wilma From Bad Girls Club.

Bad Girls Club > Housewives, it’s math.

At least this year, I already wrote a Bad Girls Club Survival Guide, which you can read here:

http://lasmosteligiblebachelor.com/2011/03/16/lord-of-the-flies-for-strippers-a-bad-girls-club-strategy-guide.

Probably my favorite non-personal( I.E related to a certain evil blue jay who shall not be named) thing I’ve written in the last year.

Last year was fun, but this year I think I’m in love with Wilmmarie.

I don’t want this post to become a rambling love letter to her, but she might be my favorite Bad Girl of all time.

And I was OBSESSED with Natalie Nunn over the summer.

Thus far my love for Wilma comes from 3 things.

1. She seems super fun and nice. She actually seems like a fun girl to hang out with…. Until the drama starts then she turns into a scary Puerto Rican beat-down machine. Then she goes back to being nice and positive again. I can appreciate those kind of manic mood swings in my reality TV stars. I don’t want to watch someone who is just starting drama all the time, like Nikki this year. Because after awhile it stops being authentic and you start looking insecure and immature which is what’s happening with Nikki (Who I formerly thought was one of the best players of the game ever) now. That and she can’t seem to stop getting punched in the face by Wilma. Best line of the year so far

” Nikki is like a kid you keep telling not to touch a hot stove, but she keeps doing it and now I’m going to leave in handcuffs and she’s going to leave in an ambulance.”

2. Wilma is Puerto Rican. For real, and will tell you. When Nikki stole her blankets and made her sleep on the couches downstairs, she was completely un-phased. She even went so far as to say, ” You think this is bad I’m Puerto Rican, I’ve slept in front of the stove in a jacket.” Or something similar. Amazing. I love when people make themselves stereotypes willingly. Love it.

3. She’s been beating up the house bully pretty badly. Nikki keeps starting shit with Wilma after their early friendship ended and she keeps getting punched in the face. You would think after 2 ass whuppings including last night’s vicious hair grab and pound, she’d learn her lesson. Not Nikki, the previews show another fight next week, this is starting to turn into the Bad Girls Club version of the Ward-Gatti trilogy. Except instead od being close and competitive Nikki keeps getting her ass kicked. She never wins the fight and yet she always wants to fight.

I love you Wilma, you make my TV viewing life better.

Wilma goes into the new addition hall of fame along with Phaedra from Realhousewives of ATL, and Deena from season 3 of Jersey Shore. Those are your Reality rookies of the year.

JL

“Lord Of The Flies For Strippers?”: A Bad Girls Club Strategy Guide

I started watching The Bad Girls Club last year, because I love bad reality tv! Also Dave Jacoby ” The czar of reality tv” had described it as “Lord of the flies for strippers” on Bill Simmons Podcast. If that’s not enough to get you to watch a show I dunno what to tell ya.

I mean be honest half of you read this post just because of the title.

But the more I watch the show, the more I believe that this is the best possible definition of what the show is about. They take a bunch of girls who WANT to be bad girls ( as opposed to real bad girls who end up in jail and generally are less attractive) put them in a house together and see who rises to dominance and who gets punched in the face.

The only thing missing is a conch shell.

The show is one of those great rare occurences in reality TV like Temptation Island, where there is NO ACTUAL GAME, yet for some reasons everyone talks about “playing the game” and how some girls are “playing the game dirty” or “treating this like a game.” This always leads to an amazing show where people will go out of their way to do crazy things and then rationalize it as strategy.

The other cool thing about Bad Girls Club is that they fight. And I don’t mean they fight like My Realhousewives fight with cattiness and shit talking. I mean they physically hit each other, other girls and occasionally guys in the face. This isn’t Real World where fighting gets you kicked out. In fact as I interpret the rules, the only way you get kicked out is if you INTENTIONALLY throw the first punch in a fight. Pushing by the way is not only totally cool, but I’m sure encouraged by the cast and crew.

The reason I’m writing about Bad Girls Club now is that as an outsider, an observer of this game for the past two years, I think I’ve figured out the game and how to play it to maximum effectiveness. Over the past two years and repeats, I’ve figured out that there are actually only two ways to become the baddest bitch in the house.

The first is to immediately stake out your place at the top of the hierarchy right away like Lea did last year and Char did this year, or you need to stand alone without any alliances for a while until you can form a strong alliance or an alliance with the girl at the top of the hierarchy like Kristen(spelled like my ex did Kris-TEN) did last season and Nikki did this year.

SO without further ado, like The 10 Commandments of Crack were passed down through Biggie, I give you the Ten Commandments For Bad Girls Club:

1. Never Follow! This is the most important rule for Bad Girls! A real Bad Girl has to be a leader. Besides “follower” seems to be the insult du jour inside the Bad Girls Club (BGC).

2. If you’re not at the top of the totem pole start your own tree. Alliances are only useful in the BGC once the other girls understand that you are not to be fucked with. Nikki did a great job of observing this rule during season 6 when she withstood 4 FULL days of EVERY girl in the house trying to get her to leave. By staying and showing she was able to take it, she established herself as someone not to be trifled with, which led directly to her alliance with Lauren.

3. The Bad Girls Club is like prison. So that means the BEST way to establish yourself is to do something that makes people think you’re crazy and not to be messed with. Kristen did the best job of observing this rule when she hurled not only a drink but an entire glass at Erica’s head within about 5 minutes of meeting her.

4. Hook Up, but don’t be a slut! The BGC is a competition in all aspects and the girls are taking note of who’s getting laid and who’s not. But they are still girls, so even though they are all actively competing to try to get laid more, they will call each other “sluts” if the other girl is hooking up more than them. Women 🙂 For the record I think all girls should hook up as much is as safe and makes you feel good about yourself. But I also grew up with sisters who partied…

5. Don’t be afraid to say you’re the baddest. It seems like there is a direct connection between how much a girl talks about how much power she has and how much power she actually has in the house. If I had a dollar for every time Lead said she was “The Baddest Bitch in the house” I would be rich enough that I’d be dictating this to my man-servant on my yacht. My favorite form of self promotion happened when Char called herself a brand. Maybe she was confused and thought she was Cher for a second? I dunno but I still laugh when I think of it, so thank you Char.

6. Do the Hokie-Poke. The BGC is a marathon, not a sprint. So it’s very important to pace yourself. The girls who come in guns a-blazing end up being forced out. It happened with Ashley on season 6 ( Though she did get to punch Kori in the face twice so it may have been worth it) and with Morgan the first episode of season 5. Instead you want to do what Nikki( For my money the best power player in the history of the show) has been doing on season 6. Every day you slowly poke and prode at the each and every person you don’t like in the house. It could be an annoying habit, ignoring them as they talk to you, etc. The best example of this was when Nikki didn’t tell Char she was going to be having sex in the room they share and then forced her to watch. That my friends is a poke in more ways than one.

7. Let the other girls fight amongst themselves. Inevitably the BGC will split into two rival sides. Call them girl groups, gangs, cliques, teams, whatever it ALWAYS happens. The best strategy when this happens, is no strategy. Let the other girls fight amongst themselves because, they will. Again we come back to Nikki. Once she formed her alliance with Lauren, she just poked at the other 4 girls, and let them fight amongst themselves, leading to Ashley punching Kori. Again.

8. NEVER say you’re the prettiest girl there. This is a sure way to stir all the other girls up. I think a major reason for Ashley and Kori’s fight(Besides Lauren and Nikki’s scheming) was the fact that Ashley was heard saying she was the prettiest girl there very early on, which irked Kori who was the other “hot” girl there.. Morgan had the same problem in episode one of season 5. Even if you think it, saying your the prettiest girl in the BGC will just ensure you’re on your way out of it.

9. When in doubt, break or pack her stuff. This is the golden rule when you’re not sure what to do during a fight with another Bad Girl. Ideally you’ll be able to throw her stuff into the pool or ocean as Kristen did to Kayleigh during season 5 or Char did to Nikki during season 6. But beware, if a girl is bad enough to survive having her stuff thrown into the pool or packed for her, and still stays in the BGC; she is a worthy foe indeed.

10. There are NO friends in The Bad Girls Club. The final rule, and the one that EVERY girl seems to forget is that there are no friends in the BGC. Every girl there is your competition. Competition for what you ask? Camera time, because let’s be honest, that’s why these girls really go on this show. The more shenanigans you pull the more you’re on camera and your chances of being a reality tv star like Natalie Nunn or Florina increase. Which equals more money, fame and fun, which is what every Bad Girl Wants right?

If you follow these rules you will take over the BGC and become the Baddest Bitch, if not you’ll end up getting stomped and pushed out of the house before you even know it.

JL